Eureka!

Ok, update time. My abuser is still lording it over the garage (with my belongings in it) and god knows what he’s building in there. A long time friend and serial abuser-marrier called me in a state, asking for my help. (Rescue.) Of course, I obliged. She, on the other hand, has been somewhere between a spoiled brat and an abuser.

I had wondered why she never responded to my message when I called from outside the police station where I reported the felony theft by the abuser. I was in pieces. I couldn’t even drive, after facing down a hostile officer, who finally took the report. I refused to back down and he was the mirror image of the sociopath. I was exhausted. I called and left her a message. No response. Ever. (We’ve been friends for 50 years, BTW.)

When I (finally) brought it up she explained she was somewhere when I called. I was thinking “what does that have to do with not calling me back?” But I said nothing, partly because such narcissism is “normal” to me… partly because she had been my friend. She was happy to commiserate when I was being abused.

Now that I’m stuck dealing with her legal case (at the time she called I was juggling 4 emotional and tricky such cases) I’m seeing two things: 1)!she has no clue what a boundary is, and 2) she’s a professional victim. (I’ve since been fired for my trouble. What a relief.)

This saga eventually led to my realization of why I had to “live” being a victim. I had to fully experience it. (And I also realized why I got no call back. I had stepped out of the victim archetype. I had faced on of my deepest fears–asking for help while direly distressed and not being believed.)

Childhood surgery, crying out for help… being ignored then further hurt—this was the most formative experience of my life. I’m now realizing I had a VERY high IQ, so I reasoned I must have made some terrible error to deserve that. Of course, the problem with a high IQ and extreme youth–4 years and change–is that you have no data to extrapolate from and arrive at erroneous conclusions. (Which are unconscious and thus hard to correct.)

Andrea (so called friend) had been there for me when the abuser got physical. I thought-and said—“ I thought I was better than you”. (And abusees in general.) I felt I’d learned a lesson in humility. And I had. But I’ve learned another one. I AM “better than” anyone who decides to live their life ONLY as a victim. Sorry, but I bloody well am. Maybe by the grace of God… but I am. Functionally, at least.

I had been blamed, both by the main abuser, and by another narcissistic person in the mix , but also by that damned cop the day I went to report the felony theft by the male abuser. (Russell Padilla, if it matters.) I had to beg him to take the report. But I was also told I should leave, by EVERY cop who responded to 911 calls. Over time, I started to wonder what that was about.

But most beneficially, I have begun to realize this has been a part of my coaching skill set I had been lacking. I had been failing to understand what that level of actual victim hood really is—and why victims are blamed. I’ve been blind in this area. I’m now studying why people blame the victim. I now have the subject for the thesis I may never write. “Victim Blaming–It’s Causes and Cures.” Mirabile dictu!

“Victim–blaming theory describes the practice of holding victims partly (or totally) responsible for their misfortune. It represents the faulting of individuals who have endured the suffering of crimes, hardships, or other misfortunes with either part or whole responsibility for the event.” http://criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/crime/domestic-violence/victim-blaming-theory/

I sent the article to a current coaching client. Blew his mind. I’m not there yet—I need to get much deeper into this phenomenon—but it’s part of so many high conflict family situations, in court. I feel a calling. And more hard work. Oh well…

So, there’s proof of concept to complete, and a few more cases under my belt.. but there’s no doubt in my mind, now, that I’m on to something. Stay tuned.